I'm having an eye operation tomorrow. It's not very exciting — the hope is that it will stop a condition I have, keratoconus, from getting worse. They shine a light in my eye for 10 minutes to strengthen the cornea, which is getting increasingly cone-shaped. I will be under general anaesthetic, since my anxiety might prevent me from staying still throughout the operation. I'm a little bit terrified.
I know that the likelihood of something going wrong is small, but I could end up blind in my left eye. I've had general anaesthesia before, many years ago, but that doesn't mean I won't have a bad reaction this time. It throws everything into perspective.
More than anything, it reminds me of how much I want to achieve my goals.
The thought that I could die tomorrow (improbable as it is) makes me feel annoyed. I've only just begun getting my life back on track! My 30th birthday is in 2 weeks! I want to go to my friend's wedding in June!
Not so long ago, when I was very depressed all the time, the idea of death was a relief. I wanted to die. But now, I want to give life a chance. I want to see if I can earn a living through writing, get super-fit, speak Italian fluently, go skydiving... I don't have a zest for life as such, but I definitely have the motivation to live.
I understand that this sounds strange to anyone who has never experienced mental illness, but it's a huge departure from what I thought of for many years as 'the norm'. Even the enforced downtime as I recover from the operation is frustrating: I can't run for a week and when I do, I have to wear a sweatband so sweat doesn't go in my eye. I don't know how long it will be until I can read and write for long periods of time. The courses I'm doing will be put on hold.
I hadn't realised I was so invested in all of these things. It makes me more determined to achieve my goals. Wish me luck — for the eye op and beyond!